A lot of people say, "I remember my first beer."
Well for everyone that wasn't here and gives two fucks about this epic story,
"I remember my first CamelBak."
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| "It tastes like bad decisions. Perfect!" |
A trip to como to go to a 21st birthday party, with Brad Murphy (my cousin), Kyle Punet, and 2 friends, I think their names were Tweeter and Scooter. We pre-gamed by G-Roading (for everyone that's not from California, Missouri.. Urban Dictionary defines gravel roading..)
Gravel Roading- The act of driving around on gravel roads with friends while getting drunk / The act of getting buzzed on the drive to the party so you do not have to endure being the soberest person at the party.
Road Trippin', Gravel Travel, G-Roadin', and DWIn'... all forms of Gravel Roading.
..We pop Power Hour CD in and head for the good time. We arrive, play pong, make great toasts to random people and a guy that looked like Seth Green, ultimately end up going the undefeated 9-0 and leave after a douche got into a fight with the host. We walk down the street to another party. They kick us out. We steal there vacuum cleaner. I’m not talking a little handy vacuum cleaner, not a broom or swiffer sweeper, a full household vacuum cleaner with all the small accessories and everything. At this point we try walking down the street with a vacuum cleaner with Brad and Kyle back to the car, stopping and being loud and obnoxious at girls and sluts outside asking them, "Will you suck me off?" And right when I got the stare that says back to you, Fuck you, I’m not a slut, Leave me alone you perve, You’re a jerk, My boyfriend will kick your ass.. I held up the vacuum cleaner in the air, as if I was sacrificing it to God. And the outcome I get a chuckle out of them. Mission Complete, A stolen vacuum cleaner will in fact get a girls attention, on the first trial this was good. Ms. Clean was no longer funny and we do what every gentleman does put her in the back... the trunk and let your friends ride shotgun. Head west and find our way to our soft beds and a trashcan. The next morning we decided to go harder than last night and this is when the CamelBak came in play and where the story was made.
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Next Morning
(The CamelBak Story)
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Deven sends me a text at 11:39am, I’m bored, lets drink.
Brock- 11:43 I’m asleep, lets get shit-housed,shit-hammerd, shit-faced today.
Deven- 11:43 Wake up sunshine and get your lazy ass over here.
I’m hungry for some hangover food, Mc Donald’s it is and order a McChurger (McDouble with a McChicken placed in-between the patties), and 2 McDoubles with extra pickles (for Deven, cause he likes pickles and dicks). Skipping ahead past the nitro circus on TV and reading Asshole's Finish First. I sat the book down and tell Pacecar (Deven Pace) about last night’s epic adventure and he tells me about a lesbo party he went to last night and came back home to masturbate.
It's decided.. We are going to get go past the point of being our regular monday through sunday drunkenness tonight and get Tucker Max Drunk. So I drive me and Deven to Jefferson City to make a trip to Wal-Mart to buy me a $26.54 CamelBak and get beer and the mixes.
From here on out I updated my Facebook status every chance I got, to remember the occurrences of tonight... This is the documentary I came up with and some of my friends decided to join in on the fun...
P.M...
Brock- 3:15 Bought a camelpac.
Brock- 3:17 got alcohol.
Brock- 7:15 Death mix prepared, Deven and Brock shotgun 2 beers
(We buy a handle of cheap vodka, 2 cases of busch light, and a bottle of good ol' James Foxx to split between, Deven, Brad, Kyle, and myself. The Tucker Max Death Mix is nothing to fuck around with, if your looking to win 6 games of beer pong in a row and 5 with another partner, toast to whatever come to mind first, travel on a Lewis and Clark expedition, barrow a 4ft light up Santa, a wagon wheel, a 2ft candy cane, and a 3 wheeled scooter, and find yourself puking in a bathtub rather than a trashcan cause there is that much puke, and just be the life of the party and awesome.. Then my friends this is the right mix. Tucker Max Death Mix- 1 Liter of Vodka and another 1 Liter of 2 cans of red bull and the rest Gatorade all mixed into whatever you got and this night we had a fucking CamelBak. It tastes like bad decisions. PERFECT!)
Brock- 8:15 Beer pong starts.
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| "Drinking is a problem only if you're not good at it." |
(Jamie, Mac, Brad, and Kyle show up to play beer pong.
It's Pacecar and me on the table for 6 games straight.)
Brock- 9:40 Party went from the famous four toooo...a lot fuckin more. 3-0 on pong. Camelpac still steady.
(Duke shows up, and so does all of New Bloomfield and JC.)
Brock- 9:45 I like dick...Sorry mom.
Brock- 10:09 Lesson learned don’t leave your facebook open at the party. Fuck you deven and kyle!
(There was also another status after that, my “friends” typed about me and how gay I am, I don't remember what it said and I deleted it when I found out, but it made Clay Akin look straight and Brock lord of the gays. Fucking douche bag friends.)
Brad- 10:52 Pong: Kyle and Brad, 2! Brock and Deven, 5!
(What can I say, we may not have gone undefeated but we won the most games of beer pong last night. How do I remember that one? I grabbed kids chalk and wrote on the side of the wall with tally marks on how many games I won. It's still there, IIIIIIIIIII.)
Deven- 11:01 Brock is drunk...I am not. What have I done wrong.
Brad- 11:10 Pong: Brad and Kyle: 3. Brock and Girl: 5.
A.M now...
Brock- 12:31 Party is still going, camelpac is almost dead. I
feel like going on a long hike, lets go pull a lewis and clark.
Callie the guy just figured out you fucked with his drink!!
Brad and Chad is 6-0 Deven and Brock are 6-0. I AM BROCK MILLER
take a drink with us if you read this.
(The CamelBak was in fact not almost dead; I meant to say is I was almost dead. Sorry Facebook for the lie. But the Lewis and Clark expedition was true. And we made their journey drop to the number 2 spot and we took over the number 1 that night.)
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| DEATH! |
Kyle 12:54 Drunk as a skunk, beer bong with brock miller,
pong tourney, goin hard with brad murphy, deven pace mom
co in in hot, we got it on lock ...stayn up til sun up.
The expedition...
(We leave the party, Brad- double fisting beers, Kyle- his self, Brock- A CamelBak and the handle of Vodka.. This is the climax in the story where from here on out, bad decisions and good times just fall into place...)
Brock- 1:19 walking down hwy 50 with brad n kyle.. beer, vodka, and CAMELPAC!
Brock- 1:24 I just drop kick micky mouse.
(I will tell you about this incident, after I explain how the dropkick took way. It was not a WWE pussy foot dropkick this was a full sprint Jackie Chan can't compare to my awesomeness of a dropkick, Mickey Mouse is now no more... Now the most awful part of this whole story is now.. Before I say anymore, fuck you Kyle you put your balls on my face when I am unconscious and passed out AND draw a cock and balls on my back, so I will tell the world... Kyle decided he has to take a number 2. Well it's 1:26 and there is no turning back now, so Kyle take a shit on a drive way. Being drunk, you don't think of the consequences of your actions until after you do it, Kyle has no TP. That’s what you get Kyle. So he uses his shirt to… This part doesn't need to continue. On with the beginning of the rest of my life and my CamelBak.)
Callie, Kohri, Courtney- Next status for Brock miller:1:30 hit by a car on highway 50. Camel pack still interacted.
Kent- It is 1:37 and I just spoke with lone ranger. Get it done big guy.
Brock- 1:39 just got off the phone with LEON (kent summey) with a santa in brads hand.
Jared- 1:53 talking to brock fucking miller chuggin beers to the class of 2010!
(To update you, Brad is carrying a 4ft Santa, Kyle a wagon wheel, and me, I’m carrying a 2ft candy cane while pushing and balancing my drunken self on a scooter. At this point, I could have been qualified as dead in 7 different states.)
Kyle- 2:16 With brad and Brock...got a Santa and a wheel well
and a scooter and a candy cane bitches....top that
But wait we ding dong ditch **** ***** house and we dunde.... GET ON MY LEVEL
Brad- 2:16 6 mile walk. Cuz Brock miller, Kyle puent, Santa by me, Brock scooter...Kyle wheel well.
Brock- 2:17 sitting at a car wash with santa, candy cane, and a wagon
wheel with brad n kyle. Kissed the pavement with a scooter, so cold. CAMELPAC DEMOLISHED.
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| "Look ma' no hands" |
Brad- 3:09 Brocks on garage floor, Case on everything, Front back side 2 side.
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| Greatness... |
Brock- 3:33 just got slapped in the face.... heyyyyyyy at
least the camelpak treats me right!!!! I love u all 2010!!!
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(I ask Deven and he explains to me the next morning-
Brock- “What the FUCK happened last night?"
Deven- "Wellllll... You fell down on the garage floor, fell asleep for 10mins on the stairs, puked in the toilet and made your way to the bathtub so you could see how much you could fill it up, then after your insides were laying in my tub, I took you to my room where you passed out around 4:30. You died last night. This isn't heaven, this is hell my friend."
Brock- "Where is my CamelBak??")
Deven- 5:00am Brock....you are the worst friend anyone can ask for. But I still can't seem to not give up and I love you to death bro. Never again...that's our motto for tonight.
That afternoon...
Brock- 2:17 I wake up with no memory from 3am-2pm. Must been
some greatness going on somewhere between then...
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